I will be turning 30 this year and that somehow made me feel sad. Very soon, I will need to make a decision to start trying to bear a child again or to completely let go of the idea. I have been taking pills for 7 months now and it would be hypocritical of me to say I didn't enjoy it. I did. I enjoyed the freedom from the monthly scares. My periods are now regular and predictable. I feel good about myself too. I placed much effort in my diet and workout. I can fit in my old pants again and liking what I see when I look at the mirror. I like the freedom of having the option to just be anywhere around the globe for spontaneous vacations with nothing holding me back. I no longer feel envious of pregnant friends or even pregnant beggars on the street. I don't feel out of place when friends share stories about their children. I genuinely laugh with them and share their joy. I like it.

Yet, I am also a wife. I have my husband's happiness to think of too. Although he has not forced me to stop, I know he wants children. He probably wants the decision (to stop) to be coming from me. He was a very good father to Nate and he was happiest when he was (a father). I enjoy seeing him joking around with his nephews. It hurts to know I have not given him that second chance to try. I want to make him happy. Also, when my beauty fades and spontaneous trips are impossible, I don't want to find out too late that I really want to have children after all.  It could be lonely with just the two of us too.

To tell you the truth, I have always entertained not buying a pack again. But as soon as I'm about to finish my pack, all my dark fears come flooding back. Suddenly, I find myself in a very dark corner of the world trembling and crying. It was like they were just all hiding in the closet waiting to suck the life out of me. I know I need to come face to face with them. I know it will need to happen very soon… as I am about to be 30.